Smash-scepades
by GravityEmblem
Summary: The short (and maddeningly nonsensical) adventures of the cast of Smash Bros inside the Smash Mansion. Jobs are switched, disrespectful messages are spray-painted, and characters in the bathroom are walked in on. Can you handle the craziness? Only one way to find out! (You probably can, though. It's not that bad, honestly)
1. In Which Kirby Makes Breakfast

Disclaimer-I don't own Smash Bros. or anyone who appears in it.

...

It was a beautiful day at the Smash Mansion, and Kirby was making breakfast.

"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-dee-dee-dee!" he sang.

"Did someone say my name?" the King of Dreamland said, poking his head through the doorway.

"No, just singing."

"Hmph. You _would_ do that"

"Hey, would you like to help with breakfast?"

"Maybe. What did you have in mind?"

Kirby grabbed Dedede and back-threw him into the pot. "Kirbyyyyyyyyy!" he cried as his nemesis cooked him alive with salt and pepper.

...

In thirty minutes, the entirety of the roster gathered in the dining room for their food. Kirby served Maxim Tomatoes, iced tea, and a "special" stew. Before everyone dug in (besides Ganondorf, who was already digging in), Master Hand decided to make an announcement.

"All right, folks. Before we eat, we should all acknowledge that Sonic's new game comes out tomorrow." Most of the smashers clapped. "He can't do any battles today because he'll be at SEGA finishing up some last minute business. Now," he (she? It?) finished. "You may begin stuffing your faces."

All of the smashers started to eat. All except Ganondorf, that is.

"Ganon," Master Hand said. "First you eat while I'm talking, then you refuse to? You're being rather..."

"Disrespectful?"

"Yeeeessss?"

"Good! I _should_ be disrespectful! Because I am the _king of_ **disrespect!** " While the lord of darkness continued his rant, Little Mac finished his meal.

"Wow, the soup was really delicious! What is it?"

"Dedede Stew!" The boxer from the Bronx took a minute to process this, then turned green and began to rush for the bathroom.

"Man, what's his deal?" the pink puffball wondered.

"It _should_ be obvious," declared Dedede, who came out of Kirby's giant bowl.

...


	2. In Which The Jameses Hold A Meeting

...

After breakfast, Sonic left for SEGA and the Smashers gathered in their usual groups. James, James, James, and James met at the table in the alcove.

"I hereby call the meeting of the Author's Self-Inserts Club to order!" James said, banging his gavel. "Now, first matter of business: Will the Sonic Forces Avatar be in the next Smash Bros. and if he is, should he be inducted-" James interrupted the club leader with a cough. "Sorry. _Invited_...into our group?"

James, James, and James all raised their hands.

"All right, then it's unanimous."

Meanwhile, the Why-Do-We-Exist Club (Pichu, Dark Pit, and Bayonetta) congregated in the corner of the room.

"So, about the new Sonic game," Dark Pit said. "Maybe Master Hand should invite Classic Sonic!"

" _NO!_ " yelled everyone in the room (except for Pichu). With all the racket, nobody noticed Snake sneaking around the edges of the room. Nobody except Kirby, that is.

"Hi!"

"What are you doing? You'll compromise my mission!"

"Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!"

"Stop that!"

Then, Kirby swallowed him.

"Ah, yeah. Activating stealth mode!" He rolled his way to the counter, where he grabbed the cookie jar...at the same time as Link.

"So...why do you want the cookie jar?"

"I'm still hungry. You?" Link was silent for a moment. Then, he smashed the pot against the floor.

"No regrets!" he cried as he dashed to the bathroom to hide.

"No, Link, wait! Dedede's taking a shower in-" Kirby the heard the sounds of screaming, sword slashing, and blunt force trauma. "There." He shrugged and spit out Solid Snake.

"That. Was **NOT** _ **pleasant!** "_

"Well, obviously! What is a trip into my belly _supposed_ to be?"

"...You really don't understand litotes, do you?"

...

 **Author's Note:** There are two things that may further your understanding of this Fanfic:

1\. The Jameses are Ness, Lucas, Robin, and Villager. The club leader is Robin-James, who also appears in my only other (As of late) Fic.

2\. I really hate Bayonetta.


	3. In Which Bowser Becomes Traumatized

...

It was ten O'clock in the Smash Mansion (Smanshion?), and all the fighters were getting into their normal routines. Game & Watch rambled on about film theories while ROB tried not to listen; Mewtwo, Falco, Fox, and Captain Falcon played poker; Ganondorf spray-painted disrespectful messages on the walls. (Such as: "Crazy Hand is crazy!" and "PK Flash? More like PK _Flush!_ ") Finally, James, Toon Link, Bowser Jr, and the Ice Climbers hung out in the Game Room.

The game room was essentially the smashers' living room. It had gaming setups for every Nintendo console, almost every game realeased on those consoles, and wide array of compatible controllers. The Game Room was the main reason getting invited into Smash was such an honor. After breakfast, the characters mentioned above would always get together and play some of the many accessible video games until lunchtime. Today, the decided on Mario Party 10: Bowser Party mode!

"Who's going to be Bowser?" Popo asked.

Everybody looked at Bowser Jr.

"Oh. Duh."

Popo chose Toad, Nana selected Toadette, Toon Link decided on Luigi, and James picked Rosalina. After a few presses of the Wii Remote, they started to play.

...

After he was done writing disrespectful messages, Ganondorf joined his fellow villains in the dining room.

"What's going on here?" he asked Wolf.

"Me and Ridley are talking to Bowser about his self-esteem issues." The Koopa King put his face in his claws.

"It's just...no one ever takes me seriously anymore! Mario walks all over me, and I can't even kidnap Peach!"

Ridley was surprised. "You can't? You said that you were going to try again yesterday!" Bowser's expression looked like that of a shell-shocked old soldier. The, he began to have a flashback.

...

"Haha! Peach! You're coming with me!"

Peach grunted. "Really, Bowser? Can't you see that I'm _gardening?_ "

"Uh...yeah. So?"

"I refuse to let myself be kidnapped until I finish gathering my turnips!"

"What? No! I don't care about that!"

Peach sighed. Then, she pulled something out of the ground. "All right. But hold this first." She handed Bowser a Bob-Bomb.

He took a few seconds to process this. Unfortunately, by the time he had realized what he was holding, the explosive device blew up in his face. The princess watched as her lifelong enemy soared off into the distance, then happily went back to her gardening.

...


	4. In Which Sonic Mocks His Rival

...

It was the day of Sonic Forces' release, and all the smashers gathered in the dining room for breakfast. Master Hand had fired Kirby after complaints from Little Mac and King Dedede, so this morning, Link had made...another soup. Bowser took a bite and heard a sickening crunch.

"Euggggh! What is this?"

"Teeth soup!"

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then, Master Hand spoke up.

"You're actually BotW Link wearing the Cap and Tunic of the Wild, aren't you?"

"You _think?_ " said a charred Link, entering the room with a Shock Arrow sticking out of his bottom.

...

An hour later, Master Hand announced the Smash Matchups for the day.

"First, Sonic VS Wario in a Shooter Smash! Next, Fox VS Falco in an Explosive Smash! Finally, Ganondorf VS Ness in a Glorius Smash!"

Wario and Sonic took their places on Wily Castle, while Master Hand counted down from 3 to 1. Then, they were off. Wario rode his motorcycle toward the Blue Blur, but he avoided the attack and knocked him off his vehicle.

"Is that in the rules?" the Hand wondered as the hedgehog grabbed the first item of the match: a Steel Diver.

"Hey guys, look, who am I?" he said, insparation striking him. Sonic propped up the motorcycle that lay next to him, cocked the gun, and said in a mocking tone, "Now where's that _darn_ fourth Chaos Emerald?" Everybody laughed.

While he was mocking the Ultimate Lifeform's uneccesary edginess, his opponent ran up and started to chew him. In the stands, Roy and Marth were having a conversation.

*Translated from Japanese* "See, Marth. Now Wario's going to win."

"Really? This again?"

"Yeah! Whoever gets damaged first loses the match!"

"Look, you may believe that it's _proven_ that your hypothesis is correct-"

"It is! Every match I've seen, whoever gets hurt first loses!"

"That's inductive reasoning. All I need is to show you a single match in which the "rule" does not apply, and I win the argument."

"Fine! We'll wait until the end of the match."

After a long, hard battle, Sonic was able to preform his patented up-special-air-spring-gimp and win the match.

"See?" Marth declared arrogantly. "Sonic won the match, so your theory is disproven. That is what I call deductive-" His spiel was interrupted by Roy throwing him off the stands and into the Yellow Devil, who was outraged at the Altean Prince. Laser blasts and slashing soon followed.


End file.
